Esme's love for her missing friend was intense; it practically bordered on obsessive at times. The two women had been friends for almost a decade. Life without Judith was misery of Esme. Her friend's absence created a void inside her heart. A void she could never close or fill with someone else.
Judith went out with some of her work colleagues the night she disappeared. Esme had been invited, but she declined. She didn't want to share her time with Esme with other people. Secondly, Esme was a socially awkward person compared to Judith. She struggled to make friends or even engage in small talk. Judith was the social butterfly to Esme's wallflower. Esme knew she wouldn't have enjoyed herself. She would have spent the night in Judith's shadow, clinging to her like a leech.
Esme told Judith to text her when she made it home and the woman promised. The following morning when Esme checked her phone, there was no message from Judith. She assumed Judith had forgotten and gave her a call. The phone rang and rang and rang. Eventually, the call went straight to voicemail. Esme called a second time and ended up with the same results. "Judith's probably asleep." It was eight in the morning at the time. There was no telling what time Judith made back home. Esme waited an hour-and-a-half to call again. Judith didn't answer.
Hours went by and then a day. Esme went to her friend's apartment and banged on the door. The older woman who lived beside Judith informed Esme her friend never made it home. "I remember being her age and coming home at different hours of the night." The older woman always watched out for Judith who lived alone.
Esme immediately contacted the police. She was disappointed to learn she had to wait 72 hours to report Judith missing. When those three days has passed, the Orangeburg Police Department didn't take Judith's disappearance seriously. They told Esme her friend "probably didn't want to be found." That statement infuriated Esme. Unfortunately, little could be done. She waited and hoped that Judith would either turn up one day or someone would come forward with information. Four years passed by and Judith was still missing.
“…you think,
Esme?” Victoria asked the woman, stirring her from her thoughts.
Esme rubbed her face until she saw colors and shapes. “I’m-I’m sorry… Wh-what did you ask me just now?”
“Always with
your head in the clouds, huh Esme?” Andrei laughed at his confused friend. “We
were talking about Judith just now.” The sound of her name made Esme emotional. She no longer liked talking about Judith. Esme tuned her friends out at the mention of Judith's name. She wasn't able to weasel her way out of that conversation, however.
Victoria rested her head on Andrei’s shoulder. The two were engaged to be married soon. Esme had known them both since high school. She had introduced them to Judith years prior. “I’m still in awe that it’s been four years.” She released a deep sigh. “I wonder what happened to her. I hope… I really hope she’s okay.” She turned to the window and watched the rainfall.
Esme began to slowly dissociate from the conversation. She just wanted to treat that June 25th like every other day out of the year, but her friends insisted on talking about Judith. She became agitated, though kept the emotion suppressed.
“Hey guys! I'm here.” Landon came up to the table huffing and puffing. He was drenched in rain. Victoria asked why he was so out of breath. “I made the stupid decision to take my moped today instead of my car.” He chuckled with embarrassment. Esme shuffled over so Landon could sit. “Thank you. Thank you. I hope you're well, Esme." He addressed her in a kind tone.
Esme and Landon had a rocky friendship for a while. Prior to Judith's disappearance, she and Landon were involved in a sexual relationship. Esme never had sexual or romantic feelings for Judith, but she was territorial when it came to her friend. After Judith disappeared, Esme's attitude towards Landon softened. They shared in the mourning of the woman they had loved.
"I'm doing all right. Glad you made it safely. You know how the people of Orangeburg drive when it rains." Everyone at the table laughed. "How are you doing, Landon?"
The man's smile shrank. "Same as always when June 25th rolls around." He answered in a somber tone. Esme patted Landon's hand. He, Victoria, and Andrei resumed their conversation about Judith while Esme mentally removed herself. Her gaze returned to the window. “You know, sometimes I wonder if Judith really is missing.” The table fell silent. Victoria and Andrei stared at Landon with bemused expressions. No one's eyes burned a deeper hold inside Landon than Esme's stare.
"What... What makes you even say that?" She craned her neck.
Landon shifted nervously in his seat. Esme wondered what information on Judith he was hiding. "I-I promised Judith I wouldn't say anything about it..." Landon revealed that one night when he and Judith were drinking and getting high, she confided in him how she was thinking about leaving Orangeburg for awhile. The lack of opportunity and excitement in the city made her depressed. She felt like her home city had nothing more to offer her. Judith told Landon she "didn't want to die in a miserable place like this."
The silence at the table intensified as everyone reflected on the new information. Landon found himself in the hot seat. "Why did you wait so long to tell us this?" Victoria hounded the man; she was furious at the deceit. Landon reminded Victoria she had promised Judith not to tell. "I mean, yeah, at the time that was fine, but when she disappeared, you should have said something. Damn the promise you made."
"Why would she even keep that a secret from us?" Judith was an adult. If she wanted to leave Orangeburg, no one would have been mad at her, except for Esme.
Landon started to regret opening his mouth, especially when Esme jumped down his throat about it. "We're waiting on an answer to Andrei's question." She told him in a stifled voice. Esme tried to remain calm, but she couldn't. She wanted punch Landon so badly. All those times they cried about Judith's disappearance together and reminisced on their favorite memories, Landon was sitting on crucial information.
Landon revealed the answer. Esme was the reason why Judith wanted to keep her desire to leave a secret. "Judith knew how much her leaving Orangeburg would hurt your feelings." Esme would have tried to convince Judith to stay, which was the other reason Landon was sworn to secrecy. "Judith feared she would have ended up staying here if you begged her enough." The man lowered his head.
Esme was crushed by the revelation. From her perspective, it seemed like Judith thought of her more as an anchor than a life raft. The fact Judith confided in Landon instead of Esme when the two always told the other everything, devastated the young woman even more. Esme felt the tears forming in her eyes. She felt betrayed.
"Oh, Esme-" She snatched her hand away from Victoria. The last thing Esme wanted at that moment was to be touched. She needed space. She wanted to go home.
"I'm leaving." Esme addressed the table. "Please, let me out." She said to Landon. He didn't immediately move. Landon tried to convince Esme to stay and talk out her feelings. "I said move, now." Several people in the bar turned around and looked at Esme. She felt like a fish in an aquarium with all the eyes on her.
Landon slid out of the booth, though he continued to reason with Esme. "Esme,
look, I'm-I'm sorry... I know you're pissed, but please don't resent Judith
over a silly secret. She wasn't trying to hurt you. She-she was trying to spared your feelings." Judith's secret did hurt Esme; it hurt terribly.
Victoria grabbed Esme's arm as she hurried by. "You're coming out with us tonight, right?" Every year on the anniversary of Judith's disappearance, Andrei, Victoria, Landon, and Esme held a vigil in her honor. They celebrated Judith's life and their friendship with her by partying at her favorite bar, Night Rouge. The very same bar she was last seen at before she disappeared. Esme told them she wouldn't be in attendance. She was in no mood to celebrate anymore. Esme wanted to be alone and sulk at home. “You guys can celebrate without me this year.” She mumbled.
Esme's friend groaned and booed at her response. "Grow the hell up, Esme!" She was reprimanded by Victoria. "Don't make Judith's day about yourself. Be mad tomorrow. You know how much this means to us and what it means to her." Esme yanked her arm away from Victoria, much to the woman's shock.
Landon pleaded with Esme to reconsider. "Judith is-was your best friend. Esme, don't spit on her memory like this. We don't even know if she disappeared on her own or if something out of her control happened to her." Esme knew Landon was right, but she was so consumed by her own emotions and feelings, that it clouded her decision-making. She knew if she bailed on their annual tradition, she would regret it later.
"I'm sorry, everyone." Esme headed for the door, ignoring the pleas of her friends.
----------------------------------------------------
By the third hour, Esme's foul mood showed no signs of waning. She spent her entire evening (and much of her energy) brooding on the floor of her apartment living room. Landon and the others made several attempts to reach her, but Esme just turned off her phone. The endless buzzing and vibrating drove her crazy.
As the night continued, Esme's resentment towards Judith intensified. She began to wonder if Judith's disappearance was intentional as she reflected on Landon's earlier statement. Perhaps, Judith had acted on her desire to start over elsewhere. The thought enraged Esme, which only made her stormy mood worse.
“Why would you leave me behind…?” Esme sobbed into her knees. She kept asking the question until her voice went hoarse from the crying. “Judith…” When the pain became unbearable, Esme decided to quell her feelings at the mouth of a bottle. And just like that, two years of sobriety went out the window.
Esme previously had a drinking problem, though it never spilled over into alcoholism. She had been terrifyingly close, however. Only Judith's love and support kept Esme from drowning. She got her drinking under control, thankfully. But since Judith's disappearance, her bad habits began to resurface. Before midnight, nearly 16 oz of vodka was gone.
Esme laid half sitting, half slumped against the sofa, drifting in and out of consciousness. She looked absolutely pitiful. Judith would have been disheartened to see her friend in such an unbecoming state. Esme didn't care about what Judith had thought. Judith was the reason for Esme's relapse. Judith was to blame because she broke Esme's heart. She abandoned Esme. Everything was Judith's fault.
The drunken
woman began to lose her fight with the alcohol. As she drifted off into a deep
sleep, she had a vision. The vision was of Judith, standing in the doorway,
shaking her head at Esme disapprovingly.
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