No Exit To (III.I)

 

III. The Mortifying Ideal of Being Perceived (Part I)

Preface: This chapter in M. Word is over 20 pages long. So, I'm going to split the chapter into two separate posts. It'll be easier to digest and jump back into after a break. Again (because this is a different series), I do my own editing because I just can't afford to pay someone right now to do it for me. I apologize for any typos, missing words, incorrect words, or change in tense. I read over every chapter at least 3-4 times to catch any mistakes. 

Friday, May 31^st, 2019

Mom peered around the corner from the kitchen. Those downcast eyes of hers pinning me in place. “Nathan?” Mom called with genuine sweetness even though our last four conversations consisted of arguments. “You’re not having dinner with us?” She said with heartbreak in her tone. Mom and Hannah had spent the entire afternoon preparing dinner for that evening. “We made your favorite: smothered pork chops.” She had hoped the meal would entice me to stay. It didn’t. My plans to go bowling with Fabian and Catherine were that night. 

“That’s Hannah’s favorite meal. Not mine…” I replied in a low, disgruntled voice while bent over lacing my sneakers. 

Mom rolled into the living room and parked in front of me. She leaned down so she could see my eyes. “But you like them too, my dear.” She said with a smile. I told mom to save me a plate in the microwave; I was headed to the library and wouldn’t be home until late. Lying to her face killed me, but I didn’t want her in my business because I was still upset over last week. 

“Well, okay then…” Mom huffed in defeat. She looked over at Hannah who idled between the kitchen and living room in the doorway. Hannah was wearing a Mommy’s Little Helper apron; the apron used to be mine when I was her age. She always loved helping mom especially in the kitchen. Nicole wasn’t much of a cook, so I heard. I guessed that’s why Hannah enjoyed cooking with mom. “It’s you and me tonight again, Hannah Belle.” Dad had left out of town for work related business and wouldn’t be home until Monday. Aunt April usually came over for meals, but she was preoccupied with packing up her house. She was eager to be free of the house and wanted it listed for sale soon as possible. “You can choose what we have for dessert tonight.” Mom maneuvered her wheelchair in Hannah’s direction but stopped suddenly. “Nathan…? Is there—is there someone on our porch?” We heard footsteps coming up the porch. Mom went to the door. 

“Wait! I’ll get it!” Too late. She opened the door. 

Catherine and Fabian stood on our porch. I was annoyed seeing them. They were supposed to be waiting in the car for me as I instructed. Fabian rushed out in one long, unbroken sentence, “Hey, good evening! I’m really sorry but I have to use your bathroom!” He was about to pee himself. His legs were crossed tightly as he bounced up and down. Fabian was sweating too, badly, like he had run three city blocks and didn’t stop until he reached our house. 

Mom called to Hannah. “Hannah! Baby come show our guest the bathroom!” Always eager to assist, Hannah obliged happily. She took her role as mom’s little helper seriously. 

Hannah pointed behind her. “Come on! It’s this way!” Fabian thanked my mother as he rushed past her. 

“Young lady, you come in too. Don’t wait out there on the porch. It’s getting dark anyways.” A polite demand Catherine couldn’t refuse because mom wouldn’t let her. She was all about hospitality. Catherine thanked mom, came inside and made herself comfortable as instructed. “By the way, my name is June, Nathan’s mom. Hannah is his-” 

“—half-sister, Catherine. Hannah is my half-sister.” I robbed my mother of a chance to finish her sentence. My tone and emphasis on the word half had Catherine looking at me strangely. I quickly looked away, unable to stomach that questioning look in her beautiful gray eyes. 

Catherine shook it off, turned around and resumed her conversation with mom. “Anyways, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss June. My name is Catherine. Just Catherine. I don’t do nicknames like Cat or Cathy.” Mom acknowledged her boundary with a nod. I was relieved; the two of them hit it off instantly, conversing as if they were old friends. Catherine sat down on the ottoman part of the sectional so she could respectfully talk to mom at eye level. Seeing her being considerate of my mom’s disability in that manner made my heart flutter with butterflies.

Such a remarkable woman. 

“So, how did you and Fabian become acquainted with my son?” She gripped her chin, curious. Mom threw a glance over Catherine’s shoulder at me.

“We all met at this spot called the Red Canary-” Hannah interrupted. She flung her body over the sofa after returning. 

Normally, mom would have reprimanded her for doing so, but she let it slide (to my irritation). “Hiii! I’m Hannah!” She fell into Catherine’s lap. Hannah beamed with excitement. “Are you my brother’s girlfriend?” Those beady eyes of hers reflected the excitement in her voice. 

Mom snatched Hannah by her collar and pulled her away. “Don’t be nosy. It’s rude.” She chastised. It served Hannah right too. That was until mom turned around and asked Catherine the same question but in a different manner. She was embarrassing. 

“So…” Mom rolled in closer, a mischievous glint in her eyes, and whispered, “Are you looking to become my future daughter-in-law by chance?” She wiggled her eyebrows at Catherine. I could see her mentally crossing her fingers hoping Catherine would say “yes.” Mom had only known her for ten minutes and was sold on Catherine becoming my future wife. I couldn’t blame her because I wanted that too. 

“Enough of that.” I grabbed her wheelchair handles and put some space between her and Catherine. Mom was no better than Hannah sometimes. 

Mortification aside, Catherine was a good sport about the questions. She found both mom and Hannah silly and entertaining. “No, we’re all just friends, ma’am.” She emphasized the word so mom wouldn’t assume Fabian was her boyfriend either. “I’m not looking to date right now. I recently moved here a month ago and just trying to find my way.” Catherine laughed innocently. 

Mom probably wanted to reply, “Well… if you ever start looking for a boyfriend, look behind you” but kept it respectful. I was grateful she did. Now, if Aunt April had been present… I didn’t even want to imagine the egregious things that would have flown out of those two sisters’ mouths.  

“You’re really pretty, Catherine.” Hannah jumped back into the conversation. 

“Aww! Thank you, Hannah! You’re so sweet.” She touched her cheeks, flattered by the compliment. It said a lot (and meant a lot) when children complimented you. But Catherine wasn’t just pretty. She was stunning. Immaculate. “You’re a pretty little girl as well, Hannah.” Catherine tickled her chin making Hannah giggle. “I love your hair. It’s so thick and healthy and pretty.” Mom had styled Hannah’s hair and usually did so because Nicole wasn’t the best (mom also didn’t work anymore and had all the time in the world to learn). The front half of her head was sectioned into four horizontal braids that fell to her chin. Mom put four purple hair beads on the end of each braid. The back half of her head was split into two small puffs, each tied with a purple ribbon. 

“Whooo!!!” Fabian’s verbal exclamation was heard followed by a slam of the bathroom door closed. He came through the living room’s other entryway. “That almost ended badly.” He grabbed onto the header above him. “I’m so glad you answered the door in time, Miss June.” Fabian hinted at almost using the bushes to relieve himself. His gross insinuation soured Catherine’s beautiful face, not that it made her any less beautiful. She was always beautiful no matter her expression. Little storms gathered in her gray eyes. 

“Dude, really?” She turned around to gawk at him, embarrassed on his behalf. 

Fabian apologized to the room for his unpleasant comment. “Shoot! That was inappropriate. My bad everyone!” He then snapped his fingers. “My manners!” Fabian formally introduced himself to mom even though we already told her his name. “I’m kind of jealous of you Nathan meeting your family. Your mom is beautiful and your sister is adorable.” The compliments immediately went to both of their heads. 

“Oh, you’re a sweetheart!” Mom said, looking bashful. “I’m so happy I got to meet you and Catherine this evening. You’re both very pleasant and seem like wonderful people.” She was more excited learning I was capable of making friends after not being able to for years. Mom’s happy smile brought one to my face. 

“In Nathan’s defense, we all quite literally met last week so.” Fabian shrugged lightheartedly. “But anyways, you ready to get your ass kicked in bowling tonight, Nathan?” He double pointed at me. Cocky as cocky could be. 

“Fabian…” Catherine directed at Hannah using her eyes.

He covered his mouth. “My bad again! Sorry about the language.” Fabian raised his hand apologetically. 

Catherine turned back around and looked up at me. “You should have seen Fabian when I picked him up. He has his own bowling ball, shoes, and jacket.” She called the jacket gaudy which upset Fabian. 

“Hey! My bowling jacket is not gaudy.” Catherine rolled her eyes, grinning. “And a woman driving a three-doorVeloster doesn’t have room to talk about anyone. I hope they gave you a discount when you bought that thing since you’re a door short.” Mom pulled the corner of her jacket to her mouth to mask her laughter. 

Catherine squinted at Fabian so hard, all I saw was her eyelashes and green eyeliner.  “You drive a Fiat, Fabian. Let’s not.” 

Fabian opened his mouth for a rebuttal, but Hannah stole the spotlight. “Bowling sounds fun! Can I come with you guys?” Her big, brown eyes lit up. She bounced up and down on her toes with anticipation.

Her question was immediately shut down by me.  “No. Adults only.” She whined and poked out her lip. 

Mom frowned up at me. She pleaded for me to reconsider. “Nathan, please… Let Hannah tag along.” I leered at her. She knew I didn’t like being around Hannah. Asking me to take her along was audacious even for my mom. “Please?” She pleaded with her eyes in the same manner Hannah did. Although that wasn’t her biological child, Hannah’s and mom’s resemblance to one another at times seemed undeniable. 

“No. Hannah’s not coming. I’m so-” Catherine interjected. She stood with her hands on her hips and eyebrows furrowed at me with displeasure. That stormy ocean in her eyes pulled me into their dark tides.

“Why can’t she come with us, Nathan?” She flung open her arms. There was mild exasperation on her face. Catherine didn’t mind Hannah tagging along with us. “She’s a child. Let her come.” She said with a hint of demanding behind her words. 

Fabian backed Catherine up. He was also fine with Hannah coming along. The more players involved, the more asses he could whoop on the lanes. He told me not to make a huge deal out of it. “We’re going bowling, not out to a club. Don’t be a jerk to your sister, man. Let her come with us.” From the corner of my eye, Hannah had her tongue out at me. Brat. 

I was bummed; I was outnumbered 2:1 (3:1 if you counted my mom). My first night out with new friends and I had to share them with an eight-year-old. No matter the situation, it always seemed like Hannah got her way every time. I couldn’t stand it. It drove me crazy a bit. “We can take Hannah another time!” The words left my mouth on a yell. Silence flooded the room as everyone stared at me with a variety of mixed emotions. 

Mom was greatly disappointed, no surprise there. At that point when it came to me and my loathsome behaviors, disappointment became a fourth layer of skin for mom. Fabian shook his head. Those brown, nauseated eyes of his looked down at the floor, unable to stomach my presence. Hannah’s eyes were full of hurt and longing for some fun. Catherine’s scowl deepened, contorting her face. Having four sets of disapproving eyes glowering me was torture. If only I had been a turtle, I would have retreated into my shell until they looked away. “Nathan….” 

Backed into a corner with no exit out, I relented on my decision. “Fine.” Hannah could come along. Had I continued pushing back against them, Catherine and Fabian would have dropped me as their friend. I would have lost them quicker than I gained them. 

Hannah leapt into the air. A jubilant smile returned to her face. “Yay!!” Finally, everyone took their eyes off me. I could breathe again. Which was crazy when I didn’t remember ever holding my breath to begin with. More than likely a subconscious act. 

Fabian jumped down into a squat at Hannah’s eye level. “Hannah, ready to get your little ass kicked in bowling tonight?” He thoughtlessly asked her. 

She matched his energy right back. “Nun uh! I’m gonna kick your ass!” That jubilant smile was backed with confidence. 

“Hannah, watch your mouth.” Mom popped her lightly on the butt. “And go upstairs and get your jacket. It’s going to be chilly later tonight.” Hannah bolted up those stairs but tripped near the top from the overwhelming excitement surging through her. She was grateful to Fabian and Catherine for convincing (guilting) me into letting Hannah come with. Mom also couldn’t resist the urge to taunt me. When I looked over, she had her fingers in the shape of a L on her forehead. “This means a lot to me. Thank you again.” She placed her hands to her heart, almost on the edge of tears. “Well…” Mom sighed. “Guess I’m eating alone tonight.” Though she wasn’t upset about it. Her children were out having fun with friends. That was something to be happy about. 

Fabian, shameless as he often was at intervals, asked for a to-go plate. “I mean…it is less food you’ll have to waste.” The request had mom ecstatic; she didn’t mind making him one. Cooking, baking, and feeding people delighted her. 

“You know… you and Catherine ought to join us for dinner some time.” Mom wagged her finger. “We haven’t had a family dinner since Nathan’s cousin and uncle died. I think it would be wonderful.” Mom said, rolling back into the living room with two wrapped containers on her lap. The second one was for Catherine. Mom didn’t want her left out. She fed everyone unless they declined. 

“Thank you so much, Miss June.” She broke out into that cute happy dance of hers. The container was graciously accepted. “I can’t wait to eat your food. Smells wonderful so, I know it’s going to be delicious. It’ll be nice having a homecooked meal again.” Mom told the duo they were welcomed to come by anytime for a homecooked meal. Fabian most definitely intended to take her up on that offer. “As for dinner, sure! I’d love to come.” She and Fabian agreed on Thursday the 13^th, two weeks from then. There were no dietary restrictions between them and were also okay with mom choosing the meal and dessert. 

Mom pumped her arms, excited. “Okay!” Her evening alone would be preoccupied with planning Thursday’s meal. “You both will get to meet Nathan’s father and aunt, my sister.” For some odd reason, she couldn’t wait for Catherine and Fabian to meet them. 

A moment later, after finding the jacket that should have been put away in her closet, Hannah’s clumsy ass came tumbling down the stairs. Every little thing Hannah did, even when it didn’t outright affect me personally, aggravated my soul. “That’s why you need to make sure your shoes are tied, Hannah.” I reprimanded, blood pressure shooting up. 

Hannah, popping up from the floor, argued back. “I did tie my shoes, but they came loose!” She stuck her tongue out at me again.

“Well, you need to learn to time them better, or you’re going to hurt yourself.” The last thing we needed on our doorstep was CPS for suspicion of abuse. 

Catherine went over to Hannah. “Have a seat. I’ll show you how to tie them better. My older sister showed me.” Catherine was not just sisterly to Hannah; she was motherly too. The gentleness in her tone and the lovingness behind her words were distinct when she spoke to Hannah compared to others. Hannah became a surrogate sister to her. Based on those interactions with Hannah alone, no doubt Catherine would have made an amazing mother. “And there we are.” She tweaked Hannah’s nose. Catherine was thanked with a hug in return. She held Hannah so close to her they would have merged together if it were possible. The affection made Catherine sentimental. 

Mom handed me a fresh $100 bill for Hannah and me. “I think that should be enough for yours and Hannah’s way in and to get some food. If you still have to use your own money, you know I’ll reimburse you.” She said with two thumbs up. Mom slid Catherine $25 for gas since she came all that way to pick us up. Catherine turned down the money. It wasn’t a big deal when she had offered to pick us up to begin with. Mom turned back and handed me the $25. “Make sure you put gas in her tank.” She winked. I stuffed the money into my pocket. “Hannah. Hugs and kisses before you go.” Mom said, opening her arms wide. “I love you, muffin. Have fun. Be good and listen. Okay?” Hannah nodded. Mom gave her another forehead kiss. 

“Let’s go crew. Let’s go!” Fabian called, opening the door. “Miss June, what time would you like Hannah back home?” The usual curfew during the summer break was 8:45p.m. But since Hannah was with me, mom extended her curfew to 10p.m. Lucky her. “Stop all that moping Nathan and fix your face! Bring your behind on!” 

“Yeah,” Hannah parroted Fabian, “bring your behind on!” He then raced Hannah to the car. Whoever got there first got the front seat. Hannah won (because Fabian intentionally threw the race for her). 

I threw on my jacket and grabbed my house keys off the hook. Mom’s soft, warm hand grabbed mine and brought it to her cheek nuzzling it. “My love, try and have fun. Please.” 

 

Lea was in front of the entrance waiting for us when we pulled in. She hadn’t been there long, only about five to six minutes. So wrapped up in my selfishness, I had forgotten to tell Fabian and Catherine, I had invited her. “Nathan!” We almost hit the concrete with how forceful Lea ran into me. With Fabian’s assistance and quick reflexes, we remained upright. “I almost thought you had ghosted me!” She tried to mask the hurt in her eyes with happiness, but I still saw through it. 

I was appalled by the accusation. I would have never done that to someone like Lea. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. We were running late and I should have texted you.” I was mean, but I wasn’t cruel. At least, I didn’t think I was a cruel person. Others would have argued I was when it came to Hannah. 

“Hi, again!” Lea waved, acknowledging Fabian and Catherine. “Nice to see you both again!” She said with her freckled smile. 

Fabian shook her hand. “It’s nice to see you again too!” He made a remark about how unbelievable it was I didn’t have friends before them when it seemed I didn’t have problems making them so easily.  

Lea looked at me with bewildered eyes. The hurt was gone. “Wait? You-you didn’t have any friends?” She sounded…distraught by the claim. 

“Cause’ he’s mean.” Hannah replied to her. 

My nose wrinkled hearing her unwanted commentary. “Hannah, shut up.”

“Nathan, don’t tell her to shut up!” Catherine barked at me. She pulled Hannah deeper into her body. Like a kitten, Hannah nestled into her.  

“Who are you? Nathan’s girlfriend?” Fabian snorted from humor. Hannah just couldn’t resist asking. 

Lea met Hannah at eye level. “My name is Lea. And who’s the little one?” A friendly wave. 

“Nathan’s sister.” Fabian answered the question. 

“My half-sister, Lea. We’re half siblings through my father.” I muttered. A bitter taste was leftover in my mouth from those words. The repeated clarifications started to bother Catherine and Fabian. I caught the tail end of a foul side eye from Catherine complete with a sour downturned mouth. She hugged Hannah tighter, acting as a shield against me for her. The scene reminded me of Aunt April. Unreadable expressions gawked at me from every angle. I had made the moment uncomfortable. 

“You know…you don’t need to throw in ‘half’ every time.” Fabian addressed, pulling on his bowling jacket. Catherine was right. It was a gaudy jacket. The jacket was (and I kid you not) sherbet colored. “She’s your sister regardless of if she’s only half.” I released an irritated sigh and ignored the comment. Fabian was right though, looking back on the situation. No matter how and what I felt, Hannah was my sister. Nothing could change that. 

Lea continued with the initial conversation topic before we became sidetracked “Unfortunately, I’m not your brother’s girlfriend.” She whispered the last sentence. “At least, not right now I’m not.” She told Hannah while blushing over the thought of us being together. Lea hurried to dismiss the remark when it didn’t land how she expected it to. My face probably lost some color. “Just kidding! Just kidding!” The joke didn’t sit well with Catherine either because she secretly scrunched her nose at Lea. 

Fabian chased away the awkwardness by reigniting his trash talking to lighten the mood. “What are we still standing outside for? There’s an eight-year-old here begging to get her butt whooped in bowling.” He announced, clapping loudly. 

Catherine paid for Hannah’s ticket with hers when we reached the counter. “You didn’t need to do that. Mom gave me money for her.” I looked at her with a sideways glance. 

“I did it because I wanted to.” Catherine replied, a slight attitude, without looking at me. “Don’t ruin the night’s mood with your problems, okay Nathan?” She bumped me out of the way and took Hannah over to the bench so she could tie her shoes. The night wasn’t going to end well. I felt it in my gut. 

Once Hannah had her shoes on, Fabian took her over to the ball rack and helped her pick out one that suited her. Catherine watched from the bench with a delighted smile. Lea plopped down on the other side which had me sandwiched between the two women. “Thank you again for inviting me out to bowl with you guys, Nathan.” Lea leaned on my shoulder. Her soft breasts pushing up against me. “Don’t forget you still owe me dinner and a drink. How about tomorrow evening? I’m off this weekend.” Gentle fingers trailed down my back making me shudder. 

“Y-yeah that’s fine with me. What do you have a taste for?” I heard what sounded like an annoyed scoff from Catherine’s direction but wasn’t entirely sure. She had her back turned to me and was tensed up. Ugh… This is bad. I thought. Before long, I was sweating bullets from the discomfort. The tension was pulling me apart at the seams. 

I needed a distraction. An excuse to get away. Thankfully, one fell into my lap a few seconds after I made my silent plea to the Heavens. I spied some guy, probably about two or three years older than myself, talking to Hannah. Fabian was still nearby but he was on the phone, going off on someone, and had taken his eyes off her, thinking she would be fine while he handled his affairs. 

“I’ll be back.” I told the women, jumping to my feet. I stomped over to Hannah and the guy without waiting for either response from them. “This is why you need to be at home…” I muttered as I closed in on them. I pulled Hannah behind me. “Excuse me, who are you? Why are you talking to my sister?” I glared at him backed with suspicion. 

Hannah tugged on my shirt. “Be nice to him, Nathan.” I looked down at her sideways. 

“Hannah, he’s a stranger. You know better than to be talking to strangers.” Fabian, hearing my upset words, ended his call and walked over.

“What’s going?” His frantic eyes looked all around. “Is Hannah okay? Who the Hell are you?” He directed at the man. Frantic eyes turned hostile. In Fabian’s other hand was his personal bowling ball, ready to cold cock the man upside the head if he had tried something sketchy with Hannah. 

“You okay, Hannah?” Catherine copied my earlier action and pulled Hannah behind her protectively. Her eyes burned with a fire usually seen in the frightening eyes of a mother bear protecting her cub. 

“Jeremiah isn’t a stranger!” Hannah stamped her foot, frustrated no one believed her. “I know him. He sometimes helps me with my reading in school and he’s my soccer coach too. He came over to say ‘Hi.’” Hannah had mild dyslexia. Manageable but still required some extra help every now and then. Jeremiah was a SPED teacher at Hannah’s school. His specific area of expertise pertained to children with reading disabilities such as, dyslexia (he had dyslexia too). He was also the girls’ soccer coach at the community center in our neighborhood, which Hannah played on. 

I, however, was still skeptical of Jeremiah knowing Hannah’s overfriendly nature with people. If anyone had the answer, it was mom. She became heavily involved in Hannah’s academic life after she was diagnosed with dyslexia, which helped Nicole out a lot. When Nicole couldn’t be there (due to school and work), mom was and updated Hannah’s mother on all relevant matters. Hell, sometimes Nicole directly consulted mom over dad when it came to Hannah’s best interests. Mom was the second parent; dad just provided financial support.

I made a quick video call to mom just to confirm Hannah’s word. Turned out Hannah was right. “Hi Jeremiah!” Mom yelled through the phone, waving like someone who hadn’t seen their friend in years. “How have you been since the last time, we’ve seen each other? Good, I hope! Thank you again for all that you’ve done to help Hannah with her dyslexia. She’s improved so much I’ve had to set aside a fund for books. She went from hating reading to finishing a book every other week!” Hannah’s reading level went from reading on a first-grade level (in second grade) to reading on a fourth-grade level; she was headed to third grade in the fall. 

“I…see… Thanks.” I ended the call. “Sorry about that.” I told Jeremiah, clearing my throat. We shook hands. 

“Please, don’t apologize to me for doing what any brother would have done.” He said without any hard feelings over how brash I came at him. “Hannah’s one of my favorite students. Such a delight too. She’s been doing so well with her reading, we haven’t had any sessions in a while. So, when I saw her, I came over to check in and see how things were still going for her, as far as reading. Now those soccer skills…that’s another thing we’re working on.” Jeremiah said on an innocent laugh. 

“Hey, Jeremiah. You should come bowl with us!” Hannah invited. Initially, Jeremiah declined not wanting to feel like he was intruding. His mind changed seconds later when his phone pinged. “Well… looks like I’m being stood up.” Jeremiah commented while looking at the text message. He was eerily nonchalant about the entire situation too. “I came here for a date, but she just texted me saying she’s made up with her boyfriend.” Ouch. The devastating last-minute news aside, Jeremiah remained in good spirits. He took running into Hannah and meeting us as a good sign in the aftermath of being stood up. 

Fabian slung his arm around the man’s shoulder. “You’re in luck cause our friend Catherine here is single.” The contentious glare I gave Fabian could have struck him dead on the spot if it had the power to. He never looked at me, probably sensing the rising anger I felt over him auctioning off Catherine to another man. My hostile feelings towards him at that moment aside, his amused smirk never wavered.

“Don’t listen to him, Jeremiah. Fabian’s talking out his ass.” Catherine said, cutting her eyes at said man. Her response brought me immediate relief. The fire was doused. The invisible weight that crushed my chest had been removed. Potential competition was removed. 

“Just know, I don’t plan on taking it easy on any of you losers.” His finger scanned the semi-circle of bodies. We decided to play as separate teams since we had an even number of people. The group allowed Princess Hannah to pick who she wanted first. No surprise on how that went. Lea, Fabian, and I wound up a team. It was fine (I guess). 

The six of us had a good night during the first half, but jealousy (on my part) began settling in. Hannah was the star of the outing, doted on by everyone. Was it immature of me to be upset over? Absolutely. The person who gave Hannah the greatest attention was Catherine. The way she treated Hannah, people would have naturally assumed that was Catherine’s sister, not mine. I tried ignoring it; I really did, but it was difficult. I wanted Catherine to myself in every way, even if that meant competing with an actual child for her attention and feelings. 

“Hey, Nathan.” Lea called, breaking my attention away. Hannah was in Catherine’s lap giggling as she rocked her. Jeremiah was preparing to bowl. My blood was hot with jealousy. Why couldn’t that have been Catherine and me? “Nathan! Can you show me that technique for getting a strike?” It was actually Fabian’s technique, not mine. Lea was the other issue I had been dealing with all night. Her unwanted advances had escalated beyond innocent, verbal flirtation. She had been three margaritas and a beer into the second half of the frame. The real Lea started to manifest. Her flirtatious remarks teetered heavily on the sexually explicit side. There were many moments where she was rubbed up against me. And it wasn’t the alcohol making her do that either. I peeped several glances from Catherine in our direction. She probably thought I never noticed because she would quickly turn her head, but I saw them. Those beautiful gray eyes blazed with disgust. Blazed with irritation. Blazed with…hints of jealousy? 

“Let’s pause and take a break before we start the third frame, yes?” Fabian addressed the group. We all dispersed in different directions. Lea went to the bathroom. Hannah, Catherine, and Jeremiah decided to check out the food counter while Fabian and I remained at the group table. 

“I want cheese pizza, a hot dog, chips, and an Icee.” Hannah told Catherine as she gathered up her bag. 

“Hannah… you’re not going to eat all that.” I paused handing Catherine the money for Hannah’s meal. 

We argued about it. “Yes, I am!” Jeremiah looked uneasy. Catherine and Fabian became instantly annoyed. Their shoulders slumped. Their smiles dropped. Even their eyes seemed to become hollow from the emotional exhaustion my behavior and attitude towards Hannah was causing them. 

“And you said that last time when we went to the carnival, remember? You ended up throwing most of it away because your stomach started hurting. I’m not letting you waste the money mom gave you!” Again, mom and dad having less restrictions when it came to Hannah than they did for me. If I wasted food the way she did at that carnival, I would have heard it for a month. 

Catherine settled the argument by offering to buy Hannah’s food. “Keep the money, Nathan.” She told me on a weary sigh. “I’ve got it. She doesn’t eat all her food; it won’t bother me.” Problem solved. For Catherine, at least. “Come on, Hannah.” Hannah took her hand and they headed for the food court. Jeremiah was right behind them. 

Author's Note: 

The term "the mortifying ordeal of being known" (sometimes substituted with the word seen. I used the word perceived because that's the major theme of this series) was coined by Tim Kreider. It refers to "the painful vulnerability of having one's true self, including flaws and insecurities, exposed to others." It also means, "truly being loved requires submitting to this uncomfortable, embarrassing, and sometimes fatalistic experience of being fully understood by someone else." 

Keep this information in mind as you read on. 

Secondly, I apologize for the story's pacing. This series will only be seven chapters long (because the entire story is only meant to take place over a few weeks) so it may seem like there's not a lot of development in some situations in the story. I'm trying as best I can to make the pacing flow right. 

Link: 5-novels-that-make-the-mortifying-ordeal-of-being-known-a-reality