No Exit To (III.II)

 

III. The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Perceived (II)

cont'd

Fabian plopped down beside me scratching his head. “Nathan, look… I like you. I think you’re a neat guy and have enjoyed getting to know you more over the week.” He paused. I saw the gears turning inside his head as he searched for the right sentences. “But you’re turning us off from you with the way you’re acting. Hannah’s just a kid. Relax, have fun yourself, and pull that stick out of your ass.” He patted my leg. “Moving on to the next order of business, what’s going on between you and Lea?” Biting his lip, he gave me a sly sideways look. “She’s been all over you like a dog in heat these last two hours. Don’t you like Catherine?” I choked on my spit at his question. Fabian knew. He had known the entire time how I felt about Catherine. According to him, I couldn’t have been more obvious when I approached the table that night I met him. “Let me say this, I’m not interested in Catherine myself. Now, don’t get me wrong. She’s a beautiful woman.” However, Lea was more his type; he loved women with freckles and called them his kryptonite.“That’s why I need you, to tell Lea you’re not interested so I can shoot my shot at her.” You couldn’t help but respect his candidness at times.

But right as Fabian was about the Lea dilemma, I was uneasy going about it. I did like Lea. I really did. As a friend though and not a potential romantic interest like Catherine. “How do I go about it without hurting her feelings?” I still wanted the friendship. That day down at the tennis court, during our many conversations I felt she and I had things in common; I wanted to explore those similarities together. However, I feared how Lea would react after telling her I only wanted to be friends. The conversation hadn’t even happened yet, and I felt like a jerk for some reason. 

“By being kind, something you should also be towards Hannah too.” He slid in. “Lea’s feelings are going to be hurt regardless of the outcome. Being upfront about how you feel—or rather how you don’t feel—about her will hurt less than ignoring the issue hoping it goes away. Don’t worry though, I’ll swoop in and console her.” Fabian also threw in I would probably miss my window of opportunity with Catherine in the process. “The more Lea comes on to you, the more it’ll push Catherine away. Some women like being in competition with other women, others don’t. And if you ask me, Catherine doesn’t seem like the competitive type when it comes to a man. She’ll bow out and look elsewhere.” Fabian had noticed the foul looks Catherine gave Lea earlier during the last bowling frame. That instance alone, to Fabian, was proof Catherine wouldn’t put up with being in competition with another woman.  

Lea returned from the bathroom which put our private conversation on the back burner. She slid into the chair on the other side of me, extra close. Her tipsy smile beaming. “Your sister is so adorable.” She said, resting on my arm. Under the table, Lea rubbed my thigh dangerously close to my crotch. The situation was agonizing. I kindly slid her hand away. “And Catherine’s so good with her too. She must have siblings too.” Catherine, Hannah, and Jeremiah made their way over to the arcade as they waited on their food. Jeremiah watched them play a round of Dance Dance Party. “I wish I had a little sibling.” Lea was an only child (like I had been before Hannah came along). Her parents had suffered from repeated miscarriages and infertility issues, like mine had, after their first child. “I would kill for a sister like Hannah.” 

In a dry, sarcastic tone, I replied. “You can have her.” Lea smiled as she shook her head. 

“Nah…” She buried her face into my arm. “You need Hannah more than I do.” The reply was puzzling. When I asked what she meant, Lea wouldn’t divulge. 

“Oh, my goodness!” Hannah squealed. I looked over again and saw her holding up a stuffed red panda Jeremiah got her from the prize counter. The woman who worked the counter planned to quit at the end of her shift (due to the toxic work environment). In exchange for the panda that should have been “bought” with tickets, the woman handed it over for $10 (under the table). The panda was pretty big too, almost bigger than Hannah herself. She jumped in circles around Jeremiah thanking him for getting it for her. “I’ll be back! Let me go show everyone else.” Hannah came running over, mouth wide open from excitement, with her new plushie in tow. But her shoes were untied, I peeped. As expected, disaster struck. “Fabian! Lea! Look what I got-” Hannah tripped over her laces and into the table. My Dr. Thunder sprayed everywhere. The table. My pants. My phone. Panic and fear settled into Hannah’s brown eyes. Looking into them, I knew her little heart was racing. “I’m sorry Nat-” I lost it in front of everyone. In front of the entire bowling alley. 

“Christ, Hannah! Look what you did!” I looked like I had peed my pants. An accident, yeah, but still embarrassing, nonetheless. 

Hannah’s lip quivered. Tears formed. “It was an accident, Nathan… I didn’t mean to-”

“Hannah! You need to make sure your shoes are tied! How many times do you have to be told? You’re so irritating for no reason!” My fist struck the table’s surface. 

Hurt and done with me being mean to her, Hannah screamed at me. “Why are you so mean to me?” She bawled loudly, which drew eyes from every direction our way. They looked at Hannah with compassionate sympathy; they looked at me with abrasive judgement. “I don’t want to be your sister anymore! You’re always so mean to me for no reason! You hate me!” Hannah chucked her panda at me and took off. Lea immediately went after her. 

That ocean of dark eyes seemed to encroach upon me like a god-sent storm. It was like drowning without a life raft, swallowed by heavy waves, crushed by the pressure, and pulled into the dark depths never to rise again. The public shame was much needed. I had no business going off on Hannah over an innocent accident. I wasn’t harmed. Nothing was broken. And yet, I behaved as if it was the end of the world because of the resentment I clung to. Once again, I found myself wishing I was a sea turtle in that moment, able to navigate the crashing waves of those dreadful eyes. Able to hide away from the heat of their judgement. But I wasn’t. I was forced to face the abyss of my action without protection.

Catherine was livid. So livid Jeremiah had to restrain her, fearing she would hit me. Rightfully so too. The only reason he didn’t let her attack me, was because I had caused enough of a scene already. The bowling alley would have more than likely called the cops if things turned domestic. Gray eyes became violent storms that blew away the calm atmosphere of that peaceful, cloudy beach that usually took up residence in her eyes. “Jeremiah… Let me go.” He wouldn’t until she promised not to hit me. “Fine! Let me go.” Jeremiah hesitated, believing Catherine would go back on her word. “I’m not going to hit him.” She spoke through her gritted teeth. Jeremiah took a leap of faith and released her. Catherine made true on her word. She didn’t hit me, but she pushed me hard, almost knocking me over the chair.  “What is your deal? That’s a child, Nathan. A child. Your sister, whether you like her or not. None of that was necessary!” Catherine was furious, livid, and pissed all wrapped into one ball. I could see the re-evaluation of our friendship swirling around with the storms in her eyes. I feared that would be the last night I saw her. 

“Catherine-I… It’s just-” Fabian and Jeremiah stood on either side of her. They each had the same disapproving expressions on their face but wore them in their own ways. 

“All that noise over an accident?” Fabian’s shoulders jumped from his anger. “Why do you act like Hannah’s always trying to sabotage you? I doubt she is. Not cool.” 

“Nathan that was seriously uncalled for. You didn’t have to be so nasty. What happened didn’t warrant you going off on her like that.” Catherine again. 

Like a wild fox, who had just ravaged a chickens’ coup and found itself cornered by hunting dogs, I was surrounded. My new friends were about to become my old friends in one night. Not that it helped my situation (or justified my actions), I came clean about my animosity towards Hannah. “She’s the product of an affair my father had. He had been cheating on my mother for three years and Nicole eventually got pregnant.” The infertility problems, affair and subsequent outside child nearly destroyed my mother. Nearly destroyed her spirit. There were days where she wouldn’t get out of bed. Days where she wouldn’t eat, or sleep, or shower because the agony of her college sweetheart’s infidelity had further broken her apart. Days where she cried non-stop until her face was swollen and red, making her unrecognizable. Mom suffered so badly. And I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do. Nothing I could say. I was her rock during those dark times but felt like a pebble compared to the severity of how bad it fractured her. I was hurt just as much as my mother had been. 

Then came the news of Nicole’s pregnancy. Imagine a random woman showing up on your porch holding a baby with your father’s last name. Hannah was the spitting image of him. I was a spitting image of him too. I couldn’t face the mirror without wanting to hurl or shatter the object. Because when I saw my face, I saw the agony my father caused my mom. An agony that almost destroyed her. Every time I saw Hannah’s face, I saw an endless reminder of his selfish choice that caused that agony.  

“Well, boo hoo!” Fabian waved his hands around flippantly. “Your father’s actions don’t give you the right to be a huge dick towards Hannah.” His eyebrows tightened hard. While Catherine’s eyes became violent ocean storms when she was mad, Fabian’s angry eyes always reminded me of Alexandre Cabanel’s haunting painting of Lucifer. 

Catherine’s hard scowl deepened as those stormy gray eyes seemed to turn black from her strong emotions. “I understand now.” We all looked at her dumbfounded. Those understanding words, however, didn’t match her tone or reflect the look in her eyes. “This goes beyond your father, his cheating, and even Hannah. You’re projecting your animosity onto Hannah because you don’t want to be angry at your mother, who you’re really upset with. Your mother forgave your father and accepted Hannah like her own daughter, but you refuse to accept the fact that she’s moved on from it. You want her to still be mad with your father because you’re still mad at him. But holding on to that anger and pain isn’t in your mother’s character.” 

Maybe it was an easy puzzle to piece together with the provided information. Maybe Catherine was just that terrifyingly perceptive. Maybe she was a mind reader. Regardless of what the possible answer could have been out of the three…Catherine was right. She nailed the bullseye without having to look at the target. I was angry with my mother. Ironically, angrier at her than I had been towards my father over what he did. She shouldn’t have forgiven him. The way she suffered… No. My father didn’t deserve forgiveness. He didn’t deserve a second chance. Didn’t deserve to keep his family after cheating on mom. That’s what burned me up the most inside when I thought about it. My father never faced the consequences of what he did to us. Mom never punished him. Life…just continued on as if there hadn’t been a disruption. 

“If I may add my two cents into the conversation.” Jeremiah raised his hand for acknowledgment. He was calm. A voice bereft of a harsh tone but still nonetheless visibly upset. Jeremiah paused as Fabian had done earlier. He was trying to find the proper way to articulate his thoughts without stepping out of bounds since he was technically an outsider to our group. “You need to look at things from a different angle. Stop looking at Hannah as a by-product of your father’s affair. She’s a victim in this too, just like you and your mother are. She’s only here because two people decided to be selfish. You don’t realize it now, or rather refuse to see it right now, but you have a great sister in Hannah. I’m not telling you to move past your father’s sin and your mother’s forgiveness of him because that’s not my place. You have every right to feel the way you do. But don’t use Hannah as your punching bag because you’re mad at someone else.” 

The characteristic about Jeremiah’s personality I appreciated and respected, was the way he communicated issues he had. He gave sensible advice in lieu of hard criticism. It was quite remarkable. His words reached me on a deeper level than Catherine’s and Fabian’s words had. After hearing Jeremiah out, guilt consumed me like flames of a fire. 

Ashamed, I apologized for ruining the night. I also thanked everyone for making me see the wrong in my actions. “You need to be apologizing to Hannah, not just us.” Catherine said with her arms crossed. Her tone was still cold, still hard, like a rock from an ice cave. 

“Guys… I can’t find Hannah!” Lea came running back into the building yelling. She was in a frenzy, panting heavy and drenched in sweat. She lost Hannah when she darted in between the cars. We broke into three parties. Catherine went alone. Fabian went with Jeremiah. Lea came with me. 

“Oh God. Where could she be?” We searched the bowling alley’s parking lot from every direction. Hannah’s name, in five different voices, echoed through the night air. “Hannah! Hannah if you hear us, say something! Where are you? Hannah? Hannah! Hannah!” After thirty minutes or so, we reconvened at the entrance of the bowling alley. No one else had any luck finding her either. 

A feeling of doom settled over me. I grabbed my chest. It was tight. Constricted. My heart, which started off as light thumps, pounded against my chest like a war drum. The pounding drowned out the voices of everyone around me. The world started spinning, or maybe it was me who did the spinning. “…Nathan…?” Someone called my name, but I couldn’t pick out who it was because everyone sounded garbled. “Nathan, look at me?” I felt the warm touch of someone’s hands. They were feminine. The smell of almond oil and vanilla filled my nose and began stirring me from my daze. Catherine. She snapped in my face. It didn’t shake me. 

“Let me try something.” Fabian clapped loudly next to my ear, freeing me from my panic attack, if only temporarily. 

Rubbing my ear I said, “Thanks…” dryly. 

“Listen to me. We’re going to find Hannah.” Catherine touched my shoulder. There was a doubtful reassurance in her eyes even as she told me to remain hopeful and not to think the worse. But how could I not think the worse when my sister—my sister was out there by herself, probably lost, terrified, and within reach of some opportunistic predator. My mind wouldn’t stop picturing Hannah being carried off while kicking and screaming, tied up in the back of someone’s van or trunk and driven off into the night never to be seen again. I felt another panic attack slithering around the corner. 

What if we never find her? The dreadful question had my stomach acid churning erratically. Ulcers felt like they were forming. If I had truly lost Hannah, and then something awful happened to her, it wasn’t my father’s wrath I would have feared or my mother’s. It would have been June’s wrath alongside Aunt April’s. 

“Excuse me.” A middle-aged man drove up to the curb. His two young sons were in the back seat. At least, I assumed those were his sons. Could have been his nephews or his son and a friend. “I noticed you guys were running around calling out for a girl named Hannah. Yes?” He described Hannah’s appearance and outfit with accurate detail. “She took off in that direction.” The man pointed across the way to the Col. Schnitzel. “On our way back to our car, we saw her crouched next to a Veloster and heard her crying. I asked where her parents were, she didn’t say. Told her she could wait with us until we found them, or I could take her to the police station, but she got spooked and took off.” The man then made an innocent side comment about how he couldn’t fault Hannah for taking off. After all, he was a stranger anda man.  

I bolted through the parking lot to the Col. Schnitzel across the street with Fabian and Jeremiah right on my heels. Catherine and Lea headed for the car, intending to meet us over there with it. “Hannah! Where are you? Hannah?” Relief at least. We found her. I almost dropped to my knees and kissed the ground. Hannah was safe. “Oh my God! Hannah!” She was sitting in a chair by herself in the patio area sniffling. Her round face was still puffy, and eyes still saturated with tears. 

“Here’s your chocolate dipped vanilla ice cream—Oh! Well, hello again, Nathan!” Rowan, surprised, paused in the doorway with the two ice cream cones in his left hand. He looked over at Hannah. “I told you he would come looking for you, Miss Hannah. Because that’s what big brothers do.” Rowan then told me how he came into contact with Hannah. She darted out into the road, too upset and not paying attention, and was nearly struck by his car. “I saw her unattended and upset so, we sat down to get some ice cream and talk.” 

Catherine whipped into the parking lot with such sharpness and speed that not only did she almost hit Rowan’s parked car, hers and Lea’s heads snapped violently. So relieved to see Hannah was all right, she forgot to put her car in Park when she pulled up to where Jeremiah, Rowan, and I stood. Fabian got left behind in the dust. He arrived seconds after Catherine pulled in. “I…should…probably…stop…smoking…” He said, winded. Fabian went ahead and climbed into the back of Catherine’s car to recuperate. 

“Hannah!” Catherine bulldozed through us, hopping over the patio’s fence to be the first one to hug her. “You can’t run off like that when you’re upset. You scared the hell out of everyone.” Catherine wiped Hannah’s tears with the ends of her sleeves. She looked Hannah over twice to make sure she wasn’t injured. Thankfully, Hannah wasn’t. 

Hannah buried her face into Catherine’s breasts. She muffled out a weak, “I’m sorry.” Catherine laid her head on top of Hannah’s as she rubbed her back. The adrenaline, fear, and worry ran out. 

“Nathan. Catherine. Jeremiah. Lea. Fabian.” Rowan acknowledged all of us, pointing while calling our names. “What are the odds I encounter five of my tenants here together?” His eyebrows were raised high in astonishment. I discovered that Catherine, Fabian, and Jeremiah had recently signed leases for rooms at the boarding house I had toured last week. The one where Lea was already a current resident. The coincidence was wild as it was startling. Rowan, however, found it highly amusing. “The world truly is a small place sometimes. And I had no idea you were all acquainted either.” He couldn’t help but shake his head over the new information. “Well, I’m glad I bumped into you tonight, Nathan. I planned to call you in the morning about it. I have some excellent news.” Rowan’s last would-be tenant failed their background check. The room was mine, if I still wanted it though. “I told Jessica down at the leasing office to keep it off market until I spoke with you. Just submit an application at your earliest convenience so I can have them expedite the process.” Rowan deserved a kiss on the mouth and a foot rub. That excellent news was much needed. My embarrassing display aside, the night turned out salvageable.

“I owe you a huge favor! Thank you. Thank you for staying with Hannah. Thank you for helping me with my housing.” Unless it was Catherine, my mom, or my aunt (and I guess Hannah too), I didn’t like hugging people. Rowan deserved one, however. It was the least I could give him. 

He rubbed my back with his free hand. “Between you and me, I’m happy it worked out in your favor because I honestly didn’t like that woman.” Rowan turned to Hannah, after I released him, bent down and handed her one of the ice cream cones. She thanked him. “Well, dear Hannah, this is where we part ways, my friend. I enjoyed talking to you.” He gave her cheek a soft squeeze. She giggled at his touch. 

Hannah threw her arms around Rowan, careful not spill her ice cream. “Thank you for the ice cream.” 

Rowan stiffened sharply but then relaxed. The physical endearment threw him for a loop for a second. “Tell your brother to bring you by my café some time for a free cookie.” The mention of a free cookie sent Hannah over the moon. But the thought of me taking her quickly ruined her smile. Hannah looked over at Catherine and asked if she would take her by the café instead. Catherine agreed without a second though. Hannah’s smile returned. “And we bake them this big.” Rowan motioned with his hands. “You’ll be able to eat that same cookie for an entire week.” Hannah’s eyes sparkled with anticipation. Rowan pushed to his feet again. “Well, everyone, I’m off now. Enjoy the rest of your night and stay out of trouble.” He mused as he trekked over to his car. 

We all waved him off. “Thank you again.” I said. 

Rowan turned into the street, then randomly decided to circle back around into the Col. Schnitzel parking lot. He pulled up parallel to the curb and rolled down the passenger window. “Come here a moment, Nathan.” He summoned me with two fingers. 

“Y-yeah?” I leaned my head inside. Rowan joked that he wasn’t going to bite and to relax. 

“We never get second chances, Nathan, so, take care of Miss Hannah. Okay?” The window rolled up, Rowan pulled off into the street again and disappeared around the corner into the night. Part of me chalked Rowan’s response up to him wanting me to love my sister. The other part of me, however, found something ominous about his strange choice of words.

I turned and faced Hannah with open arms. She sized me up and turned away; Hannah rejected my apology before I had the chance to give it. Fair. I deserved to be slighted. I had been a God-awful brother and person to her for far too long instead of being directly mad at my mother like I secretly had been. I wouldn’t have blamed Hannah if she never forgave me. As much as I despised the idea of being anything like my father, I was like him in some ways. And like him, I didn’t deserve forgiveness. But unlike him, there would be consequences for my actions. The potential loss of my friends and their respect. 

“Hannah I’m… Hannah I’m sorry for blowing up at you the way I did earlier. And I’m sorry for all the times I’ve been mean to you and treated you poorly.” I meant every word of my apology too. I needed to be called out. I needed to almost lose Hannah. I needed to see just how vile a person I was. How vile I had been to everyone around me, my mom and Aunt April included. All the years I spent condemning my father over his selfishness and I turned out just as selfish as he was. “Here’s your panda.” I held the stuffed animal out as a peace offering. Again, I didn’t expect forgiveness nor did I deserve any. Nestled deep into Catherine’s embrace, Hannah stared at me with uncertainty. It would take a while to regain my sister’s trust, which was understandable. 

Hannah carefully pulled the red panda out of my hand. “Thanks…” She said with the same dryness I sometimes used. 

Fabian slithered out of the car. “Not exactly how I wanted to end the night, but at least it kind of ended on a good note? I don’t know. Group vote?” He scoured the group for feedback. “Tough crowd.” He sucked in sharply. 

Once again, I apologized. “Everyone, I’m sorry for how I acted earlier. I really am.” And I wanted a second chance at showing them I wasn’t as unlikeable a person I came off as. The four of them exchanged glances. “Hannah what do you think? Should we give Nathan another chance?” Catherine asked her. My whole body tightened up so hard it hurt. Hannah’s mouth twisted to the side as she contemplated my fate. 

How comical. My fate in the hands of an eight-year-old. “I think…Nathan should get another chance.” Her reason for the decision: I was a loser and needed friends. She also liked them, particularly Catherine, and how they “bullied” me into being nice to her. Well, Hannah won the lottery. My room at the boarding house secured, she would have the opportunity to be around them more. Like I always said, Hannah always got her way in the end. 

Fabian raised his arms straight in the air like he was calling a touchdown. “Princess Hannah has spoken. But” he pointed at me, “You get one last chance.” A reasonable compromise I couldn’t argue against. 

 

Hannah was still asleep in the backseat when Catherine pulled into my home’s driveway. “I can carry her to her room if you’d like me to.” The car shut off. I looked in the back. Hannah was curled into a ball using her red panda as a pillow. She had a value sized bag of gummy worms, Fabian so kindly bought her, tucked under her arm.

“It’s all right. I got it.” 

Catherine touched my thigh. Better her hand than Lea’s. “Nathan… Can we step out and talk for a minute? I don’t want to wake Hannah.” We got out and took our conversation up to the porch. “I, uh, had an older sister, Jennifer. We were five-and-a-half years apart.” Sadly, their mother died in childbirth with Catherine. “We were raised by our father and aunt, his sister, who by the way, was an amazing mother figure to us. Our father is—was a longshoreman who worked long hours and extra shifts. He retired his sister so she could help raise us. Even so, there still wasn’t a lot of supervision.” When Jennifer was seventeen, she sneaked out of the house to attend a house party. Some of the attendees were classmates but the rest were college age. At the end of the night, she came back a different person. Jennifer never told Catherine what happened to her there, but she had a theory. Their father and aunt remained in the dark about it because Jennifer feared the repercussions of sneaking out more than the latter.  “She was never the same after that night.” Her voice broke. 

The weight of Jennifer’s trauma from that horrible night drove the tortured young woman to substance abuse by the time she was nineteen. Catherine’s sister did whatever she needed to numb the pain. “I became her mother at fourteen. Always cleaning her up after benders and nursing her. Always making sure our dad and aunt remained in the dark about her substance abuse problems. Always making sure she made it to work on time. Always worrying about where she was, who she was with, and what kind of drugs she was doing.” The stress of worrying about Jennifer wore Catherine down over the years. “I was fourteen… Nathan I-I was a child.” The words Catherine forced out caused her physical agony as they did emotional agony. She grabbed at her collar and wringed it. The second Catherine came of college age she abandoned her duties as her sister’s keeper. “It was time for me to focus on me, Nathan. I sacrificed my early to middle adolescent years caring for someone else.” Finals week of Catherine’s junior year, Jennifer called her around nine at night. She was in trouble, but Catherine didn’t answer, too preoccupied with her studies. “I still have her final voicemail to this day.”

“Catherine…? Catherine, I need you to pick up the phone. I need you to call me as soon as you hear this. I-I need you! Something’s wrong. Something’s really, really wrong this time. I feel… I feel bad… Like-like something bad is going to happen to me. Oh God! Catherine. I need you. It’s bad. I need you. Please! I’m sorry. I’m sorry for always asking so much of you. I love you, Catherine. I want you to know how much I love you. I’ll always love you. Please… Please answer the phone. Please come-” Approximately an hour or so after Jennifer left that voicemail for Catherine, she overdosed on the kitchen floor of the house they found her in. For seven hours, Jennifer’s “friends” didn’t realize she had died. They assumed she had passed out asleep. 

“My sister… My sister died alone on a fucking kitchen floor surrounded by people that probably weren’t even her actual friends. Nathan, she died scared. Hoping I would come save her, but I didn’t.” Catherine wiped her nose on her sleeve. “I always find myself wondering, ‘Would Jennifer have lived if I answered? If I had gotten to her in time?’ Addiction is a disease so, there’s no telling if my actions would have saved her in the end.” She pulled out her phone and showed me the last photo taken of Jennifer at age twenty-four. She was beautiful, like Catherine, with the same ethereal dark skin and gray eyes as her sister. However, Jennifer’s eyes were lifeless. They were like underground tunnels that went on forever in the darkness with no way out on the other side. 

Catherine swiped right through several other pictures and showed me an older photo of her sister when she was a child. Seeing the physical resemblance between Hannah and a younger Jennifer explained why Catherine quickly became attached to her. “I would give up everything to have my sister again, Nathan. The circumstances aside…Hannah is amazing. She has so much of Jennifer’s personality that I have somehow convinced myself that this is God, or the Universe, giving me a second chance with her.” She just wanted me to appreciate Hannah’s existence in the manner she never got to appreciate Jennifer’s existence. “Nathan, can I ask a favor of you?”

My jaw fell upon the request. Catherine asked if I could hold her for a little bit until she felt better. She needed a moment to calm herself down. Any time she brought up her sister, it felt like the end of the world to her. Given the circumstances of Jennifer’s death, anyone would have been the same way. The way that poor woman left the world was heart wrenching, sickening. A level of tragic words failed to describe adequately. 

“I’m sorry about your sister, Catherine” was all I could say to her. She was so warm and soft against me. Her body fit perfectly into the shape of mine. A puzzle piece. And her scent! The vanilla and almond oil scent was intoxicating. The perfect scent for her and my nose couldn’t get enough of it. Her smell was a drug to me. When Catherine buried her face deeper into my shoulder, the high intensified. I wanted to hold her forever right there on that porch. 

“Thank you…Nathan.” She said pulling away from me, stealing back her warmth and taking that almond oil-vanilla scent with her. Catherine gazed up at me with those stunning but melancholic grays eyes I enjoyed drowning in. The storms had subsided, but I knew they could return at a moment’s notice. I could have looked into her eyes a thousand times over and still been in awe of how beautiful they were. 

Suddenly, Catherine pursed her lips. Her eyes closed, hiding those wonderful grays. She pressed her lips against mine. Lips warm and soft like her body had felt against my body. I thought I had been electrocuted. But in a good way, not the bad way. My body tingled from head to toe and back up, repeating the process over. The sensation died when Catherine pulled her lips away. The storms in her eyes started gathering again. She became visibly distressed. “That was inappropriate!” Catherine hugged herself and stepped backwards. “I’m-I’m so sorry about that Nathan. I shouldn’t have kissed you without permission. I-I don’t know what I was thinking.” She was no longer able to look me in the eyes because of her shame. “I should go… I need-I need to go.” 

“Catherine-” I reached for her but missed Catherine by a hair. She jumped from the second stair down to the last. “It’s fine. Don’t get upset.” I liked the kiss. No. I loved the kiss. I wanted more of it. Needed more of it. I wanted Catherine the way my lungs wanted another breath of air. “Catherine…” She shook her head. Eyes remained low. 

“I need to get back to my place. Much packing to do.” The situation became…awkward. Damn it!

Catherine, again, offered to carry Hannah upstairs to her room. “No. It’s fine…” She told me she needed to get home. I didn’t want to hold her hostage any longer than I already had. Even though it devastated me I couldn’t hold her a little longer. “It’s fine. I got her.” I scooped Hannah, her red panda, and her gummy worms into my arms. She groaned softly but didn’t wake up. 

“Good night, Hannah.” Catherine nuzzled her face against Hannah’s. She smiled in her sleep. “Good night to you too, Nathan. We’ll talk soon.” Catherine’s last sentence reeked of uncertainty. Hopefully a good night’s rest brought her much well-deserved peace. She waved one last time, whipped her Veloster into reverse and pulled out of the driveway, speeding down the street. 

I stood there in the driveway, my lips still aching for Catherine’s touch. My nose for that beloved almond oil and vanilla scent. It was torture being rewarded with such treasures only to have them cruelly snatched away. “I’m cold…” Hannah said groggy; she cradled closer to my body for warmth. 

“Okay.  We’re going inside now.” 

Mom was still up reading when we came through the door. Bedtime for her was usually 9:15p.m. but she decided to keep vigil over our return. Her astonished eyes couldn’t believe what she saw when the front door opened. Me carrying Hannah in my arms. Mom blinked several times. “I need to pee.” Hannah squirmed in my arms as she woke up. She almost hit me in the face stretching up her arms. I didn’t react, shocking mom further. I gave Catherine, Fabian, and everyone my word. I wouldn’t go back on my promise to them. I wouldn’t turn back into the old Nathan. 

“Hannah, did you have a good time?” Mom welcomed her back home with open arms. Hannah, still groggy and rubbing her eyes, staggered into mom’s hug where she received several light kisses to her forehead. 

“Yes ma’am. I had fun. And Jeremiah got me that stuffed red panda. I got some gummy worms from Fabian too!” Hannah pointed at her treasure trove of things in my custody. “And I took silly photos with Catherine.” She pulled the photo strip out of her jacket pocket to show mom. “Fabian jumped in the last one with us.” Hannah said, giggling as she reflected on the fond memories. “When Aunt April comes over tomorrow, we can make mud dessert with the gummy worms!” 

“That sounds like a great idea. I love it!” Mom tickled Hannah’s chin with her fingers. “And did you tell Nathan’s friends, ‘Thank you’ for their gifts?” She eyed Hannah sternly. Hannah nodded. “Good girl.” That time she squeezed Hannah’s chin. 

“Oh! Guess what mama?  I met a really nice man too! He promised me a free cookie! They’re this big.” Hannah visualized with her hands like Rowan did. Mom’s body jerked to attention, stunned by what she just heard from a child’s mouth. Horrified eyes tinged with rage looked up at me. 

I rubbed the back of my neck, uncomfortable over how to approach that situation with my mom. “Hannah,” she rubbed her back, “it’s time for bed. Go upstairs and brush your teeth. I’ll come tuck you in when Nathan and I are done talking.” 

Hannah kissed mom’s cheek. “Okay!” She reclaimed her red panda and candy from me before darting up the stairs. But halfway up Hannah turned around and came back down. Her short, small arms wound around my stomach. “Thank you for letting me go, Nathan.” 

Smiling, I replied, “You’re welcome.” Hannah then retreated upstairs to her room. 

My nervous eyes met mom’s dark, concerned eyes. An eyebrow was raised. Lips were tucked in forming a line. An explanation was needed. I sat down in the armchair across from her, so our eyes were on the same level. A heavy, nervous sigh came from my lips. I told mom the truth. All of it. What I did. What followed afterwards. Her expressions, like a mood ring, changed with her emotions as she processed my words. Anger. Relief. Disappointment. Fear of what could have happened. Rage. Disappointment again. 

On a relieved but heavy exhale, she said, “All that matters right now is that Hannah is safe, unharmed, and home.” Her tone was still soaked in disappointment though. Mom patted her thighs. “We keep this between you and me. Dad and Aunt April don’t need to know about this, especially April.” Mom said, touching her forehead. Aunt April would have throttled me into the pavement if she learned that not only had I almost lost Hannah, but a stranger also found her and bought her ice cream. I actually tremored at the thought, thinking about the hole in my bedroom wall. 

“Yeah… I’ve already been slapped several times by her and those stung worse than hornet stings.” I didn’t want to imagine the next level of beatdown Aunt April would inflict. 

Mom shifted the mood to a more lighthearted topic. “What happened between you and Catherine out there just now?” Her amused eyebrows almost touched her hairline. 

I snapped back to reality hearing the question. “Huh?” 

“You heard me clear as day.” Mom saw what happened through the window. She heard us on the porch and eavesdropped. She saw Catherine in my arms. Saw us kiss and then Catherine freaking out about it afterwards. “She peeled out of our driveway like a bat out of Hell.” Mom used the moment to tease me. She couldn’t resist. “You didn’t cop a feel on her butt, did you? I saw your hand and it was this close to her butt.” Mom bit her bottom lip trying her hardest not to laugh at my flushed embarrassment. 

“What? No!” I popped up. “You raised me better than that.” If the thought had even crossed my mind, mom would have figured a way out of that wheelchair and tackled me, or she would have had Aunt April dishing out another punishment. 

Mom snickered at my reaction. “I know.”  She then reclined back in her wheelchair and began reminiscing. “I miss having sex.” A verbalized thought that should have never been said to me.

The statement made me cringe and contract. “Mom! I don’t want to hear that!” I didn’t need to know it either. She was way out of pocket that time. I moved away like she had turned radioactive and started glowing. “Eww!” My visual disgust, however, didn’t deter her. She continued. 

“What? I might not be able to feel anything below the waist but trust me, the hormones are still active and running wild.” 

Conversation over. “That’s enough, Mom!” I gave her a kiss on the cheek and made way over to the stairs.  “Don’t forget to tuck Hannah in when you come upstairs.” 

“Love you, Nathan!” She sang with amusement. 

When I reached the middle of the staircase, I paused. “I found a place.” I told mom I would talk more about it in the morning though. Her dazzling smile waned becoming a half-smile. 

“Ah! Is that so? That’s-that’s good to hear.” The look in her eyes was undeniable. Dread. She dreaded me moving out. The irony almost kicked me back down those stairs. Mom wanted me out, initially, and came to dread the inevitability of her decision as my days in our family home were numbered. 

For a split moment, I thought she was going to change her mind. I thought she was going to tell me, “You know what? Don’t leave. Stay.” But she didn’t and even if she had said that I wouldn’t have rescinded my application for that room. 

I would have responded, “I’m sorry…but I’m still moving out. I’m still leaving.” Not to hurt her. Not even to punish her for kicking me out to begin with. Moving out was for the best. I accepted leaving was for my own benefit after that difficult conversation with my friends at the bowling alley. A change was needed. A change was long overdue. 

That house festered with powerful negative emotions. Anger. Hatred. Resentment. Sadness. Grief. Strife. It was haunted by terrible memories of a past I fervently clung to. A past I shackled myself to. And those terrible memories unfortunately outweighed the happy ones. I couldn’t stay in that house anymore, any longer and not because of Hannah, my father, or my mother. I had to leave or I would have never escaped the black guilt that tormented me.